Our Second Easter!

It is so lovely to be repeating holidays. The confidence and relaxation that go with knowing how to 'do' an event makes a HUGE difference in that event, for everyone. So Easter didn't have all the emotion of being the FIRST big holiday event for our family of 7. Instead it was just Easter. A time of religious reflection and rejoicing. Actually church ended up being the high point of the day which is as it should be. #3 loves church!

We colored eggs and followed Easter bunny clues first thing in the morning. We also stuffed ourselves on homemade cinnamon rolls. #3 read the bunny clues and knew just how it worked this year. Thing 1 and 2 were willing participants. The big sisters were happy to chaperon the chase to the baskets at the end of the clues.

Dressing up and staying neat was more of a challenge than I remember but we managed. We even got a nice photo taken by our favorite neighbor. If I get really ambitious I will scan it in and post it here. Church was lovely and the twins clapped and cheered at the end of each song. The congregation got a kick out of that.

The afternoon was spent at Uncle Guy's and the kids all played so well together. Of course there was an egg hunt and it was great to see all three of my new babies jump right in and understand what to do.

So while there are still struggles and trials each week. There are definite signs that we are improving and growing and reaching normal. Whatever that means.

I know it was a day to remember how blessed we are and I know I felt those blessings keenly all day long.

Conquering fears!

We made it look so easy in the beginning!

Senior Year. Band trip to D.C. and a stop at Six Flags in St. Louis on our way home. We are exhausted and we all just want to go home. But the park beckons and everyone knows that high school kids love amusement park rides and food.

Except me. I love my home. I miss my family. I am tired. I have been the ‘band member MOM’ for 10 days. I am done. But alas, we are going anyway so I better enjoy it.

I remember the clear crisp blue sky and the laughter and we raced toward the entrance. My friends were mostly guys, all supportive, funny and they knew me well. They understood that while they couldn’t wait to roller coaster upside down, I just wanted to sit quietly somewhere and read. I didn’t do spinning, whirling, bottom dropping out of, upside down and I especially didn’t do heights. No way.

I would be the drink and hat holder.

Then suddenly, just inside the gate I was pulled, as if by magnetic force to the biggest, grandest farris wheel I had ever seen. No three person carts on this bad boy. It had cage like thingys with benches and seat belts on both sides. Eight people per cage. I had to ride it. I began insisting that it be our first stop. My friends did everything they could do dissuade me. Never the less, 15 minutes later I was belting myself to a bench, in a cage, and heading upward on the tallest ride I had ever stood next to. Everyone watched me, my friends acting and reacting to my every move as if I might break. I chatted and pointed and enjoyed our slow upward procession.

I waved at surprised band members below. “Who got Amy on the Farris wheel?” written all over their faces.

A low point one morning ended with #3 marching off yelling that I was NOT her MOM.

A bit higher moment came when she gave me this after school. Clearly written with very little help.

God Bless her.

As we neared the top I began to lose some of my enthusiasm. When we reached the top all enthusiasm had been replaced by raw fear and I was in fight or flight mode. Strapped to a bench in a cage. I remember repeating, “Get me off here,” frantically, over and over. I unbuckled and lay flat to the floor of the cage, eyes closed, begging for help.

Years later I hiked with reckless abandoned behind two college buddies high into the Rocky Mountains. The climb became more technical in nature. I was staring at boots so I would know where to put my hands. I remember reveling in the feeling of pride in how strong I was as I pulled and pushed to climb this rock. The view from the top: talk about rewarding! And the rock we climbed was huge, no edge to peer over or worry about falling off. We ate lunch, we napped in the mountain sun. We packed up and headed back down. “ DOWN? Are you crazy? I can’t swing my legs over that ledge? I am staying. This is ridiculous.” My legs shook so badly I almost couldn’t control them. But of course, a person can’t stay on a rock in the middle of the mountains. A person has to climb down. And I did. And I was proud.

This is how she saw us on a better day. It is how I see us spending spring too.

Five years ago I had to change a lamp in a par can. OK so being honest, 5 years ago I barely new what a par can was and I had just learned it was 'lamp' and not 'bulb'. Anyway, new job, new responsibilities. Lights had to be ready to go. So up in the genie lift I went. I was fine focusing on the lights and holding still and NOT looking down. Then it was finished and instead of turning the handle for down, I switched it to up. The lift shot upward. (OK, jolted up about an inch) But the effect was dramatic. I stood there crying and dry heaving and thankful no one was there to watch.

You see, I am afraid of heights. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of improv and comedians or theater where you may end up on stage. I want to know what to do or be able to learn THE THING to do and have it work.

Ferris Wheels, roller coasters, some live theater, lofty heights with tricky edges, relying on FAITH AND FAITH ALONE: these are leaps into the unknown, places where you must let go of some control and trust.

Enter Holt, Haiti, #3.

The adoption process was another leap. Beginning process #2 an even bigger one. Yet the kids are home. I thought the waiting and worrying and not knowing was the worst feeling ever.

Then I met my lovely #3. She is my Ferris Wheel, Genie Lift, Improv Theater all rolled into one. She terrifies me. I don’t want to ruin her. I don’t want to hurt her.

I just pray that she is also my hike to the mountaintop, that like the genie lift which I now use with enthusiasm and trust, I can conquer parenting her unique little self. The ups and downs and twists and turns are nothing short of emotional, exciting, horrifying, heartbreaking and loving.

And while I never have conquered a Ferris Wheel and I have no plans to improv any time soon, I do have a life time to raise #3. Whole heartedly I believe it is leap and lesson worth mastering.

Bravery still needed.

Early on things were rough, but TIME IN's helped.

Hold her tight and not let her go until her muscles relax and she gives in.

I may go back to that.

Since January Dr. Seuss and Cole Porter have eaten up every extra minute. Bruiser learned the phrase 'No 'hearsal' momma!' So sad. The twins would actually start preparing to be miserable on the way home to their babysitters each night. Then of course there was the leg holding and the crying and wailing as I ran out the door to head back to school. Very very sad. The emotional wear of this process for 6 weeks was really more than I could take. I am so relieved it is over.

What is not over is the roller coaster ride that is #3. All kinds of behaviors, mostly negative, have risen to the surface during the last months. I believe most were there before Seuss. I believe many are control and preservation behaviors left from orphanage days. I believe I have no idea how to work with them and how to correct them. I believe I need help.

I know that it has only been a year. I know she is 6. I know. I know. BUT, little kids can form habits early on that stay with them. Manipulators are formed early and are not liked as they grow and become big kid manipulators.

In the past few weeks I have heard: I hate you, you are NOT my momma, I want to go to Haiti, you don't really love me, Daddy is better, you are mean, I am never gonna like you. On and on.

I know that kids say this stuff and I have not taken them to heart and let them crush me. And she does very often hug me and say I love you. However, the lies and the ugly language is coming faster and more often. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I know my two big girls had moments and may have said these things a few times. But I am certain never with this frequency.

There is a deep and true love between #3 and I. I know this. I am not sure that either of us trusts this from the other just yet. I think she is still testing and I think I am tired of being tested. I want the ease of the twins. She wants to be a big girl and have the cuddles the twins get. She wants to be sure that she doesn't get overlooked or miss out on something. I want to be sure she isn't spoiled. Oh the contradictions in this relationship.

So more than a year in to it and we are still very a work in progress. So #3 and I will keep trudging a long, though she doesn't know it. And hopefully we will find ourselves closer and better off as the months continue to go by.

Oh The Thinks...

The whole month of March went by and not only did I not keep up a weekly post I barely saw a basketball game. That is madness. But here it is April 4 and I have a glass of red wine in hand and the National Championship game on the TV. My girls are curled up next to me on the couch and two musicals are behind us. We made it. In the pas three weeks or so much has transpired and not all of it good. I have much to write about and nowIhave more time to do so.

But tonight is for basketball and wine and my big girls...here are some photos of what kept me busy through March:

This is in the GYM at a PEP RALLY and look how theatrical they look!

This is lovely Gertrude who was great from day one. She is with Horton who decided to be great the day we opened.

He gave me a lot of gray hair.

A Beautiful shot of the full stage and wonderland created by Fairy Godmother!

Cat in the Hat was un predictable and hard to control but completely wonderful!

Next blog entry will discuss what was going on in real life while I lived in Seuss land!