The First Last that Hurt

A senior year is all about goodbyes and last experiences.  Both the student and the parents are aware of this as the year begins.  I was aware of this when child #1's senior year began.  We had spent the summer talking and visiting colleges; it was in the forefront of my mind.  Many little 'last times' have come and gone since August.  A few tears have leaked out, there have been some emotional hugs shared.  The fall play was a serious, tear jerker of a play 'The Diary of Anne Frank' so that was an emotional roller coaster all by itself.  When the show closed and child #1 had completed her last play on the Duchesne stage it was sad, but the spring musical was still ahead so it was easier to hold the emotions in check.

The spring musical was 'Swing Time Canteen' a USO based musical filled with great wartime 1940's music, though not much story line.  I took on the job of costuming and my dear friends Jodi and Linda jumped in for hair and make up.  This job gave me a back stage pass for all dress rehearsals and the shows.  It was fun to see the back stage side of my daughter.  She had so many tasks and roles to fill behind the scenes.  I was proud before the curtain opened.

Two shows done and the Saturday night final pre show ritual of her career came about.  Child #1 held strong.  I was surprised but figured she was putting on her best professional front and time was crunched; not much time for tears.

And just when I thought it was time to relax and enjoy another 'last one' my lovely first born stood to sing 'Keep the Home Fires Burning' and her voice broke.  And sure enough right on cue, my tears fell.  Just when I had regained my composure the entire cast lined the steps in front of the stage and sang a beautiful harmonized arrangement of 'Beyond the Blue Horizons.'  More tears.  And I knew that song and staging were coming.

For eight years this lovely girls has been involved in the theater with her father or mother.  Three shows at Brownell in grades 5,7 and 8.  And 8 shows, two per year, with her father at Duchesne.  It has been a family affair.  A labor of love.  A beautiful tradition.  One that she had to earn each time through auditions and call backs.  One that she never took for granted.
And Saturday night, March 1, it came to a close.  She was lovely, engaging and enormously talented on stage and I was as proud as ever.  These opportunities to see her perform have come and gone much too soon.

Each lives in my mind as though it were yesterday.  I hope her tomorrows bring me more such memories.  I am truly a blessed mother.

Traveling- Brave but mostly stupid

So  a long weekend lay ahead and there were several needs looming as well.  Thomas needed to be at school working on the set, #2 needed to be at basketball practices, #1 needed an overnight trip to her chosen college St Kate University and I needed a break.

Doesn't everyone imagine a road trip with 3 kids under age 9 and a nervous teen as a 'Break?'  Well, in the recesses of my mind this is exactly how I imagined it.

The planning began:  a rental car, a hotel room- free breakfast and a pool, registration for college visit overnight and research on what is fun and cheap to do in the twin cities.  Research the weather DAILY to be sure we won't drive into anything and that we can get back home.

Saturday morning the 15th dawned clear and bright and we loaded the rental car and headed north.
The computer played movies, MB's iPad played music and all was good until the weather wasn't.

40 minutes outside DesMoines the snow started  and by Des Moines it was snowing in earnest and the roads were icky.  We looked at the weather during lunch and it was supposed to stop.  We shopped at Target, had a long lunch and sure enough it stopped.  However, between DM, IA and St Paul MN we were in 3 traffic jams and a 3 hours trip took nearly 6.  The kids did great and we were flooded with relief when we arrived safely at our hotel.
We were nearly giddy when we saw our suite style room and the GIANT water slide in the hotel pool.

Swimming, pizza delivery and Nickolodean on the TV and the rough drive was forgotten.

Day one concluded… big plans for day two!

Another Proud Moment

In an earlier blog I wrote about the fact that child #1 has composed a book of poetry. I knew she was writing and I knew she was capable, but that she was actually putting together a book was a bit of a surprise.  When I finally got to see the book I was overwhelmed and I admit that I read it over and over.   In the way a new mom watches a baby when it naps, just to be looking at the new baby, I read and reread those poems.

Proudly she and I both announced to friends and anyone who would listen that she had a book.  Through the wonders of social media an amazing thing happened…. child #1 was offered an opportunity to do a book reading, signing, selling event at a local coffeehouse.  Neither she nor I could believe it.

So through the use of Facebook, twitter and the organizational skills of some wonderful ladies we put together an event at Stories Coffeehouse.  The plan was to make child #1 and her books available from 11-1p.m. with her presenting poems at 11 and 12.

Over the course of the event about 30 people came and went.  My Poet signed and sold quite a few books.  Her readings were honest and full of conviction and passion.  Her audience was proud and entertained.  I loved every minute to it.

By the time the event was over #1 was able to say she had made a profit on the book printing.  She had also gotten in enough reading that by the time she headed to the Om Center Slam that night she was practiced and ready. She plowed right through the competition and into 3rd place beating most of the adults.  It was a great night for her and a super way to cap off a fun day.

Who knows where book writing, poetry speaking or a combination of both will take this young woman and really it doesn't matter.  Her parents are already enormously proud.

Restless

Bangs, no bangs.  Short spiky hair, grow it out.  Pierce the ear, pierce the cartilage.  Contemplate a tattoo. Throw out a bunch of decorative items and buy new at Goodwill.  Take all the photos down and put new ones up. In new frames.

Warning signs man, warning signs.

I can be perfectly happy, comfortable, content, proud even, of where I  am, what I am doing, what my kids are doing, where I live.

Then BAM.

I start changing things in the house, change my hair, get grumpy and unsettled about work. Look at everyone else's work place as so much better.
I start second guessing my choice of employment, style, house, car.

This is what I do.  I can recognize it now as a pattern  and not a healthy one.

Morale is poor at school, to say the least and that causes me to feel restless at work.  Truly I have good people around me and students that I really enjoy.  I am allowed to grow and change professionally with little question.  All good.  And yet, here I am thinking about all the other places I may want to work.

The little house on Grant St is lovely and decorated in much the way I like it.  And we can afford it.  But here I am looking at houses and even visiting houses as if I am going to move the family.  Weird.

My faith life needs work.  I must learn to be settled and happy with who and what I am.  It is a monstrous task that I must undertake.  If I don't, I will find myself less and less happy.  And dragging my family with me.

God send your peace to me. Help me to be grateful and content.
Let me show that I am aware of my blessings and can live my life with purpose and gratitude.

The New Normal?

I literally threw the kids into their beds last night and then grabbed my favorite ice pack and hauled my tired, aching body up the steps to bed.

Checking Facebook and email are usually the last items on my list of things to do in case family or students needs something before I crash.  There at the top of my news feed was a photo of Macy and Miley Lisle.  The status read, 'Four years ago today we got our sweet girls.'

Well Shit.

I blew off GOTCHA DAY!

We didn't just blow off celebrating it; we didn't even mention it.  And by we I mean ME.  I am the one who keeps track of these things.  But it never crossed my mind.

We got up and out the door; probably arguing with each other the whole time. We all went to school and did our thing.
After school and rehearsal #2 had a basketball game and I drug the 3 littles over to the gym to cheer on their sister.  I bribed cooperation out of them by telling them they could have concession stand for dinner.   The concession stand was closed.  The kids behavior was horrible.
I felt like every person was watching me and thinking, 'Some people….fill in the blank.'

They were worse on the drive home, worse waiting for Thomas to come out of school, worse getting ready for bed.
It was a day when more than once I thought, 'What have I done? I have no business trying to parent these children.  I can't do it.'

When I looked back on the day I was crushed with guilt knowing that I had not only forgotten to celebrate or recognize our 4th Gotcha Day, but that I had spent much of our time together thinking about how it was so hard.

The thing is, it is hard. Somedays harder than others, but always a bit tough.  Not a day goes by when I don't feel like one of my five didn't get what they needed.  It is a snow day today and I spent the morning turning the house upside down because 4 pairs of glasses are missing.  4. We only found 2.  I probably through the other two away.  Who does that?

Then again, I get more hugs and kisses and I love yous than parents with fewer kids.  I get more laughs and happy tears.  My life experiences go far beyond the norm.  When people aren't looking at me like a child neglecting psycho case they look at me like I am a hero.  Someone who saved three little people from a life of poverty and hopelessness.
So the trade offs are pretty good.

As I have traded working time for writing time I have spent a lot of time thinking about Gotcha Day and how in the world I forgot it.  In all probability it is an honest sign that I am too busy and too stressed for my own good.

But what if it means something else.

The first Gotcha Day was HUGE.  We had made it a year.  The toughest year of our married family life. We needed to mark it and celebrate.  Year two?  Celebrating that it was a TON better than year One.  Year three?  We celebrated because I remembered and child #3 loves a party.   There wasn't any specific WOW feel.  And now number 4 came and went without me remembering or feeling the need to celebrate.
Maybe because after 4 years together it just feels like we have always been this way.  Maybe it took four years for us to reach normal, but maybe we got there.

John's Gotcha Day is February 10.  He came home a week later.  The plan is to celebrate with a party of some type on Sunday, February 9.  We will celebrate Gotcha Day and the way our family became what it is today.
However, maybe what we will really be celebrating is the recognition of our family's normal.

Surviving the Sweetheart Ball

The big night arrived and it took a whole day to prepare.  I may never tease and gripe about the tendency for high school girls to take HOURS to get ready for prom.
I started my day at 5a.m. doing laundry, what else.

By 9 a.m. we were in the car headed to Mighty Hoopsters basketball with two very excited twins.  The game was, well, hilarious.  Rather like watching cats being herded.  The twins did quite well.  They seemed to get what was going on and Mr Man was all about scoring. I was most proud of the fact that they listened to their coach, tried really hard and focused all about the game and not the snack, or chatting with friends. Cant' wait till next week for game #2!

While we were at the game Anna was with Nana and Britney getting her hair done.

10:30 we were all back home, tux retrieved, kids a bit tired, Anna looking lovely.

A fresh pot of coffee, a short rest in bed and I was off to see my dear buddy Linda to get my own hair fixed.
I enjoyed 90 minutes of pampering as Linda coaxed my heavy wild hair into the fanciest undo I have ever had.  I felt pretty glamourous and I was still in yoga pants and an old button down shirt.

Home by 2:45 just enough time for a bath- some epsom salts for the feet and razor for the legs.  I figured this event deserved shaved legs.

At 3:15 Fairy godmother arrived with her bag of tricks.  Via was thrilled.  Smokey eye with glitter highlights, eyebrows powder to fill and shape, eyeliner that was perfect thanks to the knowing hands of FGM.

Photos at 4 and off we went to meet up with Anna and begin our night.

There was good wine, conversation and meet and greet.  My lovely girl and her lovely best friend.  We looked and even bid on some wonderful art work.  Had a nice meal.

Before I knew it the night had come and gone and I was on my way home.  Not only did I survive, but I may have even enjoyed it.
Ssssshhhh, don't tell.

Luna- borrowing a title

When your child writes a poem about you it is a beautiful thing.  When that speech compares your sleeping habits to the cycles of the moon it is…well, educational.

Truthfully, she is absolutely right.  Man am I having a hard time sleeping.  I start waking up at 2:30a.m. and hope for time to move quickly to a more appropriate time for waking up.  By 4 I am out of bed.
4:30 brings showers, coffee and laundry time.

Did I mention that my kid's poem is also about how I do laundry in the middle of the night?

At some point I am going to need to sleep for real.  Even Maizie stays in bed when I get up so early.

Tomorrow is another day, and night. One can hope.

See how the Lord has Blessed us...

We came home last night to a package on the steps.  An envelope from Walgreens photo.  Tearing it open we found a card with the above phrase on the front and a photo album filled with wonderful photos of our friends the Hogans.

Child #1 and I spent the afternoon at the Boystown Ear Nose and Throat offices.  We saw a specialist and talked about ear surgeries and her hearing future.  It was emotional and the options were not what we expected.  Two surgeries NOT one.  Scary risks.  Two recovery times.  Lots of tears.

As we were leaving and feeling sick about options and outcomes.  With the cost of a new hearing aide wearing heavily on our minds.  We were called in to the audiologist testing area.
And we were told that they had a grant for us to receive a free hearing aide.

God is so good.  It is hard to remember and believe and have faith.  I forget and falter so often.
But there are so many good people in my life and so many good things that are  given to us, that I must do better to remember.

See how the Lord has blessed us… oh, in so many ways.

A reuniting

Oh, the wonders of social media.
I learn a lot of useless stuff and probably waste a lot of time.
But sometimes, great stuff comes out of my time spent on facebook.  And yesterday was a perfect example of why I won't give up my facebook and why I need to do better at reaching out and seizing or creating opportunities.

After watching, commenting, 'liking' all sorts of posts and photos of a dear friend on facebook, one night, both of us awake and unsettled for different reasons, my friend used the messaging of FB to reach out.  I t was a time of grief for her and it made her remember a time of grief in my past.  Before long we were chatting back and forth.

A week later we set a date for coffee.

A week later we met at a coffee shop exactly between our homes- Yes, we live just 1.5 miles apart.

For two hours we laughed, teared up, hugged, shared.  My remembered so easily how special this lady was to me.  It was immediately comfortable and open.  The awkwardness of years missed and major events unknown fell away as we shared our stories of the past decade or more.

After 2 hours life called and it was time for me to return to the chaos of home.  We hugged goodbye and promised to see each other more often.  And I think we will. I can't wait for my husband and older children to meet her.  They know stories of her. She is beautiful and therefore Mr. Man will definitely love her.  She laughs easily and often and is quite fashionable, win win for Bruiser and #3.

As I walked home my heart was full and my eyes may have leaked a bit.  I replayed college memories and I replayed our visit.  This is a special lady.

I hope we are reunited again soon.

Parenting...an update

Sometimes parenting really stinks, it's true.  But sometimes it really doesn't.  And the variance from 'stinks' and 'wow' can be as changeable as Nebraska weather.

So yesterday I blogged that both child 1 and 2 were experiencing the heart breaks common in the teen years and that as a parent it was just as heart breaking.

A mere hours later....

Child #1- is oblivious to any outings and activities by the mean girls because she is too busy making couscous to take to a 'poetry family' potluck dinner.  By 6 she was out the door for the night with a dear friend from said poetry family driving her to the dinner and then on to a new poetry slam venue.  All smiles all day.

Child #2- rides the bench for an entire quarter of a lopsided game and just went I was at the end of my rope, in she goes.  And she plays great.  And it seems to be noticed.  By the end of the night she plays 2x the usual amount.  She grabs 5 rebounds, gets a couple knock aways and scores 2 points. She comes home with her dearest friend for a sleepover and is all smiles and in fact a bit silly and hyper.

It is 5a.m.  who knows what today will bring, but for awhile the stars aligned yesterday and life was good for the big girls.

And the parent breathed a sigh of relief and enjoyed it!

Sometimes...

...parenting stinks.

And I am not talking about those times when the kids are crazy, the house is a mess and you have no money.  That is life talking and when you sign up for parenting you signed up for that.  I get that.  I complain about it, but I get it.

I am talking about watching your child go through life's crap for the first time or the umpteenth time and not being able to do a damned thing about it.

Girls are vicious.  Not mine really.  And I mean that.  I don't have mean girls.  But doggone it if they dont end up the target of rumor and bullying sometimes any ways.  And other than tell them to be strong, stay true to themselves, don't sink to the bully's level, yada yada yada; there is nothing I can do.  With child #1 I finally just said, you know what?  You need to go to college.  It is time.  You will meet girls with broader minds, bigger hearts, and no time for this drama crap.  She agrees.  Does that get us from here to May, no.  And watching her hurt, HURTS.

Coaches sometimes aren't any better.  Child #2 gave her whole summer to the basketball team.  And her fall. And her Sunday nights.  Sometimes she was the only one there. Only to find herself 7th or 8th man to go in.  She says not a word about her play time, she just keeps trying.  I think she complained to her sister, once.  Again, there is nothing I can do about this.  Just praise her, push her, hug her. And tell her that next year is a new year and that she is doing all the right things.

Then you take yourself to your room and sit back and wonder if you said anything right.  If you helped at all.  If you could do more.  And your heart breaks a little.  And a little part of you says, man, parenting can really stink sometimes.

Fancy Pants Watch or Whatever it Takes

While I am still battling trying to feel better about who I am right now, in terms of what I look like, I am also working toward finding a healthier place for me.

I have always been motivated by a pat on the back and goal setting.  Silly little things that maybe many people would over look or find ineffective.

When my nike sportband went on the fritz I found myself lacking motivation to get out and exercise.  After all, I would not be able to log the miles and achieve a goal.  Why go?

OK- the answer is obvious, but it eluded me.  I needed to see my miles and watch a goal get closer.
Finally this week Nike sent me a voucher for my old sportband and I purchased a GPS watch. I must digress here and laugh a bit at the idea that my watch has a GPS but my phone and car do not.

Twice this weekend I headed out with Maizie and covered a few miles in the neighborhood.  I promptly arrived home and plugged in my watch. BOOM!  The whole path I ran showed on the screen.  Awesome.

It is now 4a.m. and my clothes are ready to go. Maizie is here.  I have coffee and a light breakfast down.

I am headed out again this morning and cant wait to see my route and my congratulations from my friendly, fancy pants watch!

Whatever it takes, man. Whatever it takes.

Shopping

Child #2 is participating in the American Heart Association Sweethearts Leadership Program.  This is a leadership/fundraising program for the AHA.  She has been going to workshops and meeting new friends and learning a lot. The big event is the Sweetheart Ball on February 1.  The parents attend and it is black tie.  Dad must have a tux.  Anna has a floor length red gown.

How in the world have we managed this on our shoestring?  Someone provided a scholarship for Anna and someone bought her dress.  The rest is pretty much free.
Of course we are very grateful that our kid has an opportunity like this.  It is a bit out of our league.

Which is why the ball has been a super stressor for me.  Limited budget, out of my league, no one I know and a few sizes larger than I want to be.  But off I go to the ball?  Indeed.

So yesterday FGM and I hit the mall and in an hour had a dress that fits, is comfortable and she says looks good.  Done and Done.  It also has a necklace that I wouldnt pick in a million years, but she did and I have to say it is pretty cool.  Plus dangle earrings.  I aspire to not embarrass my family and feel decent about myself.  Happy hairdresser friend is going to fix this mop so I should be set.

My favorite part of the shopping outing was hitting a 1/2 of 1/2 store and buying up 9 pair of boots in 15 minutes to use in costuming Rosencrantz.  No one shops costumes like FGM and I.

Not sure what it says about me that my favorite part was thrifting for boots.  But it is true.

A Birthing...not mine...not a child

Something special happened yesterday and I found myself as proud as a new grandmother.  Or what I think the pride of a new grandmother must feel like.

Child #1 has been working on a chap book for a few months now.  I have been anxiously waiting for the day I could take it to the printer and see her work in published form.

That happened yesterday.

The cover art is from France and she did it herself.  The format was done by wonderful women at DASH who helped her create this book.  Her creative writing teacher is amazing.

I took her beautiful book to her and watched her eyes fill with light.  I watched her look through the pages as though she was reading the work for the first time.  She was filled with wonderment.

She brought light and wonderment to me at the time of her birth.  I saw how it looked when I watched her yesterday and I remembered those feelings again, if just for a bit.

My child is a  writer.  A real live going someplace writer.
And I am in awe of her.

Stupid

I am proud to say that many of the entries I write do come from a place that I would name Bravery.

Last night I was just plain old stupid.

I grabbed the kids at 4:45.  One complaining of exhaustion, one kicking her brother and the brother crying about wanting to stay in the computer lab.  And instead of punting my plan, I corralled kids to the car.  And then, in rush hour traffic.  I drove to costco.

And then I tried to shop there with three whining crying kids.  Half way through I lost my list.

The bank card said were were over the limit.  The bank didnt answer the phone.  I took my strung out, spitting, poorly behaved children to the counter and applied for the store credit card.  They crawled and rolled on the disgusting floor.  I got a credit card (also stupid).

I got the groceries.  Fed them Costco for dinner.  Drove home in silence. Not sure why.

Put my brain on ice and went to bed by 9.  

Stupid.

Whew…some journeys are short

Today the most difficult thing I did was get from the after care program, through the theater to finish packing up and down with my tribe to the basketball game.

Anna scored, the Lady Raiders won, the kids had hot dogs for dinner.  Yay on all accounts.

Then I took the longest short journey ever to the car.  Up and out through the upper school building.  All the way across the parking lot to the car.  Kids half in and strapped.  Two of the crying because they are in trouble for spitting.  One of them announces she has to go potty right now.
Unstrap and turn around to retrace our steps to a bathroom.  UGH.

10 minutes later and we were headed back to the car.

Sometimes I think the most difficult thing I will do all day is get in and out of the building.

Image

It isn't everything.

Except when it is.

It never should be.  Not when it is BODY image we are talking about.  However, I have an issue. I believe I am not alone.  And that issue is that for me, right now, is body image.

I have gained weight.  A lot of it.  And I can't get past it.  ( I can't seem to do anything about it)
As fast and as regularly, thoroughly as I consume mass calories, it consumes me.

So many things point back to it for me.

Yet as the mother of 4 daughters, shame on me.  Damn it.  Be who you are.  Love yourself.  Be strong and healthy and to heck with looks. You are beautiful just as you are.  All things I say to my girls, but they must ring hollow.  How can they not?  I don't believe them about my own self.
Two of them surely see this and I bet a third sees more than I want to believe.

I am working on getting healthy.  I must include eating right, exercise sensibly, take my vitamins, care for my person in all ways, and love the final product.
I must watch my words and actions in order to convey the message I want my girls to receive.

It is a message I need as well.

4 years-and an expiration

I woke up at 5 this morning. Not because I had to, but because I was hoping for a couple hours to work.  School work, blog, laundry, etc.  But alas, 6a.m. and little feet are tromping through the house with needs to be met and issues to be solved.  I will admit I groaned and grumbled when I heard that they were awake. I hadn't gotten much done. This blog page lay open and blank, clothes were still drying so no folding yet.
I had connected with a friend in need via FB and that was lovely.  I find my mind and heart easily go back to a time when we were close and I look forward to the promise of reconnection.  Why the sudden bond, the sudden reconnect?  Loss.  The loss of her grandmother caused her to remember my loss years ago and she reached out.  The passing of Gram is still fresh for me in many ways so it is easy and natural and even helpful to have someone to 'talk' with about this.

So very normal isnt it?  Jobs around the house, prep for work, kids watching Disney.  Friends. Family.

Just three days ago I posted about weight and poison and worry and woe.  Oppressive burdens of the mind and heart.

Today I say, with NO humor intended, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

On December 9th the Help Haiti Act of 2010 Expired.  Really.  Because the refugees who were lucky enough to get into America and those who were lucky enough to receive aide in the earthquake ravaged country would certainly be on their feet in three years.

Can you honestly put a limit on how long any recovery will take?
OK, we are done helping you now.  Good Luck.

I understand that the law, the rationale and all the details are much greater, more nuanced than I am allowing for here, but really the poorest country in the world and the refugees from said country got just under 4 years to get help and now what, we move on?

It is 3 days to payday, we have no milk or fruit.  The kids are being super loud right now 'voting' on the next movie to watch and it is only 6:30a.m.  One of the kids peed their bed and now the laundry pile is doubled.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
I have 5 amazing and HEALTHY children.
My feet are up on a lovely soft ottoman and I am typing on my fancy mac with a wire less connection.
Drinking fancy dark roast coffee.

Three days ago I forgot how lucky I really am.  Today I will remember.  Today I will ask others to remember too.  And may I not forget so easily.

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/americas/2014/01/2014111234059182898.html

 

Oh, St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God. I place in you all my interests and desires. Oh, St. Joseph, do assist me by your powerful intercession, and obtain for me from your devine Son all spiritual blessings, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. So that, having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of Fathers.

Oh, St. Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you, and Jesus asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me and ask him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls - Pray for me.

This prayer was found in the fiftienth year of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In 1505 it was sent from the Pope to Emperor Charles when he was going into battle. Whoever shall read this prayer or hear it or keep it about themselves, shall never die a sudden death, or be drowned, not shall posion take effect of them; neither shall they fall into the hands of the enemy; or shall be burned in any fire, or shall be overpowered in battle.

Say for nine mornings for anything you may desire. It has never been known to fail, so be sure you really want what you ask.

One week down

The first week of the new semester has come and gone and we survived.  We were super late for school...OK...late by Anna standards, every day but Friday.  BUT the frozen meals for breakfast and dinner that I put together kept us well fed.
Monday was a 'cold day' and that was a nice surprise!
Tuesday the kids came back wired and the morning was a bit tough.
My own kids were exhausted every night of the week.

But the teaching was great all week.

We are doing poetry and the kids are really excited about it which is really fun.  I feel like I am actually making progress and giving my best to the students.  And they are giving their best to me.

There are parts of education that are hard.  There are issues at my school that aren't perfect.  However, I get students and material that I love and each day I put them together to make my job.

One week down and it was pretty darn good.

For the record....

The goal of writing daily has not fallen by the wayside as much as this blog would seem to demonstrate.  I have been adding entries to my classroom blog as well and I am counting those as writing daily!

The Type A person I am felt it necessary to write this blog entry!

When it rains...

Ok, so I am blessed.  I really am.  I get that and I mean it.

Sometimes it feels as though
the very oxygen you breathe has weight.
Taking in air,
instead of providing life, renewable energy,
fills your lungs with the very weight
you are trying to shed, to move past, to overcome.

Today I am heavy with the weight of life I breathe it in
 as toxic as CO2
I can't expel it fast enough.

In sickness and health...

Thomas and I both made the same vows 18 years ago today. For 18 years we have fought budgetary woes, been  better and worse, had good times and bad, but all of those have been together and equal.

In sickness and health, well that hasn't even been close.

Thomas has had the flu like 3 times.  And yes, he is a wimp about it.

He has cared for me through 7 surgeries, minor and major.  I get strep throat about 5 times a year.
And of course this past year has been one giant illness and recovery.

No Fair.

But he never complains about it.
And his focus is always on getting me better.

On New Year's Eve I asked what his goal for the coming year was or what he really  hoped to do. He said he only wanted me better.  I said I wanted to go camping.  Not exactly in sync I guess.

Bottom line, we may not always march exactly in step, but we love each other.  We always know that we love each other and I believe our children know we love each other.

So bring on year 19- the ups, downs, goods, bad, money and sequester times. Even sickness and health.
We can do it.

Another Journey Begins

I GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH NO KIDS TWO TIMES IN A ROW!

Friday night we went to dinner at Thomas's boss's home in Plattsmouth and had a delightful time.  yay us! And after the day I had Friday I needed it.

BUT - yesterday I had a real girl's day!

I took #1 to a fun independent bookseller because I had a gift card and I wanted to buy a pretty new address book.  Mission accomplished!
Then to Scooter's for coffee- Gift Card!
Then she allowed me to accompany her while she shopped through the 'Flying Worm' vintage store.  What a place! I have to say I was a bit overwhelmed  but she had a ball and spent her gift card.  A cute top and two fun pairs of leggings.

The big event of the day was my girl's outing with FGM.  We dropped child #2 at a birthday party, hit our favorite hang out and started planning our next big journey.  The journey is title "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" and thank God there is no music in this.  It is play time and I am ready.

Wine, scripts, pinterest, google, some gossip, some lofty conversation and some laughter.  Just what the Dr ordered for me.  And probably FGM too.
FGM ordered a pile of pizza for delivery and we headed back to Beckerville to eat dinner with an excited bunch of kiddos who love two things a lot:  FGM and pizza! More laughter, wine, conversation, some games, some snuggles.

I am sure I will have more to write about the process of the play.  It seems as though it will be an ambitious endeavor.  However, this day, this outing, was about friendship and hearts that needed to connect again.

And today all is right with everything.

A scary place…another step done.

The 3 littles came home through the government created 'Help Haiti Act.' This Act was the way our government leaders dealt with the fact that since the adoption process were being rushed to get children out of earthquake riddled Haiti.

Normally the children would become naturalized citizens as soon as they stepped off the plane.  However, all the children who came home February 2010 had not yet been through the process as far as getting a VISA. They came home as 'refugees.'
Why the government couldn't have decided that all the children would be granted VISAs and then move them through to citizenship in the same type process.  Which was both efficient, fair and oh yeah, FREE.

Instead we brought home 3 refugees.  The process created meant that all three needed to get Green Cards.  Green cards cost 985.00 per green card.  x 3.

We tried so many ways to save up for these cards.  But so many road blocks were thrown up in our way. When I lost my income last spring, well that was the last straw and the last of our money. Panic set in. The Help Haiti Act expired on December 9.  The end was near.  And the end was deportation.

No, no one said they were going to deport the children.  BUT, that was the realistic end game.

Well, finally, in November I was able to send in the I-485 forms for all three kids.  Shortly before Christmas we received our appointment cards for fingerprinting.  This was HUGE. It meant that our I 485 forms had been accepted and all was found in order.  Typically fingerprinting is a formality before the Green Card is issued.

So it was with a joyful heart that I gathered EVERY piece of potentially needed documentation and the three small Haitians and headed to Homeland Security yesterday.  I took a stack of paper work because I was directed to bring photo id's but these minors had no photo id's that were governmentally acceptable. No where and no one had information on what I needed to bring.  I brought everything.

I also brought 3 kids and one me.  And the joy vanished as I realized I had to make decisions, fill out three sets of forms, match A #'s, M #'s and application numbers to each child and fill out new forms on each child.  Then get their names- plural- in the right place.  Legal names first; Haitian names under aliases.  Yep, my 3 small kids have Aliases.  I cried in fear 3 times, nearly fainted once and withheld myself from puking the whole time.

15 minutes later we walked out after being told that the Green Cards were in the mail.

What a day.  What a Day!

Happy Birthday Vialancia!

Yep, another birthday missed so another blog post about a long ago event.  Much like the twins Via is pretty much already planning the birthday celebration for her 10th year.

I have to say that actually it has been a pretty uneventful year in the life of Vialancia.  And that makes it VERY EVENTFUL.  My little people pleaser, hard working, worry wart of drama and melt downs has little by little grown more even tempered and confident.

Second grade was a tough year academically.  Truthfully it was awful.  With our busy schedules and then my illness we did a terrible job of consistently doing our school work and reading and such.  Add to that a teacher who spoke in sarcasm and seem bent on proving that Via was behind her peers and well, the school year was ugly.

But Via really learned to roll with the punches.  She tried hard, worked to be organized (still working on that one), learned to find reasons to be proud of her work and learning without worrying about the teacher and the grades.

At home she finds real pleasure in being  mom's little helper.  She wants to help with dinner, work on projects, be in charge of the twins and anything else that puts her in charge or gives her responsibility.  Yesterday after seeing her big sister's rearranged and perfectly cleaned room, Via spent the morning cleaning and sweeping her room and then moved the only two pieces of furniture she could manage to move on her own.  She is the perfect example of an adopted child:  toddler to twenty year old all in one body.

We still have to balance all attention or she feels jilted.  She hates being in trouble and takes it so personally that the tears flow and all sense of rational thinking leaves immediately. But she is in trouble less and less.  And she is so loving and sweet that snuggle time is easy to fit in.

The big '10' is our next birthday and the big 4th grade year too.  The last year before middle school.  She is growing up fast.  But she is growing up beautifully and we are so very proud of our dear girl.

She often asks me to tell her why she has the middle name Hope.  She knows the story, but loves to hear it.  I tell her because I hoped and hoped and hoped she would come home.  Because I have so many hopes and dreams for her future.  Because her arrival and joining our family fulfilled all my hopes.  She hugs me and flashes her beautiful smile.  Hope fulfilled indeed.

The Twins- A Belated Birthday Post

While I may have missed writing about the twin's birthday, there was no way to miss celebrating it.  They are now old enough to watch a calendar, count down days, and know what a 'birthday' is all about!  Five years old already.  The cliche 'where did the time go' seems especially fitting for my twins and my oldest.

The dynamic duo has taken on Junior Kindergarten this year.  At the advice of the teachers and following my own instinct the twins are in separate classrooms this year.  Many folks seem to find this a sad split up.  However, it has really worked out just as we thought.  They behave better, they are developing as individuals and they are happy to see each other at the end of the day.

Always dapper- a real lover of fashion.

John is a natural on the soccer field.

John is developing academically very quickly.  He is super smart and WOW does he learn fast.  He picks up on new skills on the first time through.  However, he doesn't really enjoy the learning part of school.  He wants to move and shake.  Meet people, take stuff apart, RUN, talk and tell 'stories' ; these are the things John loves.  God bless his teachers.  They must be utterly exhausted at the end of each day.  We are 10 ten days in to Christmas break and I am utterly exhausted trying to keep up with him and find ways to entertain and stimulate that don't make a mess. One things that hasn't changed is that John is a lover.  He is a hugger and loves to share  a kind word and tell his family that he loves them.

Nettie and the ever present puppy doggers.

Swimming is a favorite activity and she is a natural

Jeannette, well Nettie is sitting by my side right now as I type.  Not just sitting by my side, but actually pasted up against me as thoroughly as possible.  It is 6a.m.  She has been up since 5:30a.m.  Jeannette seems to have an innate alarm that wakes her as soon as I wake.  There are no quiet solitary mornings for me.  We share those minutes.  Usually being close to me is all she wants.  Sometimes she begs and whines to watch her own shows, sometimes she talks my ear off, but most often she just wants to be nearby.  This is Jeannette.  She is either controlling the situation, chattering incessantly or snuggling someone.  Academically school is a dichotomy.  She loves it.  She loves learning.  She loves friends and her teachers with her whole heart.  The learning part comes slowly to her.  But she is a hard worker and wants to do well.  Truly a people pleaser and that will serve her well in school.

My babies are no longer babies any more.  They are functioning little people now with ideas, opinions and plans of their own.  In many ways easier than 4 years ago when they came home and in many ways more difficult.  I can no longer put a twin on each hip and haul them to their cribs.  They can dress themselves, load the car and remind me of things they need for school.  So there is a trade off.

One things that has not changed at all is the powerful bond these children share with their family.  They love us fiercely and that love is returned.  The bond between the twins and their adopted family members is complete and intense.  I wasn't ready to be done with babies yet but I never imagined another chance would come in the form of loving twins.

Another year has come and gone and I still feel very much doubly blessed.

Happy New Year! 2014: A Writing Project

Yep. Another new year. Yep.  I have made goals and resolutions. Yep.  Some will fail.
But I need to be a better writer.  Personally and professionally.  So I am going to attempt to blog daily either here or on my classroom blog.

I will start by catching up on events I missed and then move into days of writer's block and ramblings.  But I will write.

Onward!